Today’s podcast episode is a rant about food. More specifically, it’s a rant about these ersatz foods people think are as good or better than the real thing. Let’s start with the namesake of the hypothesis: turkey bacon. If I’m going to eat bacon, it’s going to be the real deal, pork bacon. And it better be crispy! I’m not going to eat turkey bacon. If I can’t have the real deal, I’m just going to go without.

Same with a burger. I don’t need a lettuce-wrapped burger. If I am not going to eat a hamburger with the traditional bun, I don’t need it wrapped in anything. Just give me two patties, some cheese and mayo, and I’ll eat it with a knife and fork.

Here’s another one–a wrap. A wrap is just an uncool burrito. The wrap has this weird flexible cardboard consistency. It’s almost like fabric. I’ll just take whatever is inside the wrap and throw the actual wrap away. 

Don’t try to convince me that cauliflower crust pizza is somehow just as good or better than the real deal. Now, this doesn’t mean I’m against all substitutions. For example, Lou Malnati’s has a “crustless” pizza in which the crust is made of sausage. That one I approve of.

The Turkey Bacon Hypothesis also applies to baked goods. If someone offers me a piece of flourless cake, my response will be, “Oh you mean fudge?” Because that’s what it is. It’s not that spongey, airy, angel food or devil’s food cake that you’re used to. The same goes for no-bake cookies. You lost me at no-bake.

And while we’re at it, stop trying to convince me that almond milk or soy milk or coconut milk is “just like” traditional dairy milk. If I never had dairy milk before, then maybe you could convince me.

Now I understand that some people have legitimate allergies or health conditions that require them to eat a certain way. I’m glad that all these products and new methods of cooking exist for those people. I’m just saying, stop trying to convince me that the substitutes are as good as or better than the real thing. As long as I’m able, I’m going to have the real deal or nothing!