When most people encounter a baby or young child out in public, the reaction is pretty standard. People generally widen their eyes, smile, and start speaking in high-pitched tones. For babies, I’ve seen people start babbling some form of proto-language. 

Ever the contrarian, I have the opposite reaction. When I see a baby or young child out in public, my first reaction is to scowl at them silently. Ideally, I like to do it surreptitiously without the parent/guardian noticing my interaction. It works even better if the child is acting up, allowing me to render an immediate disapproving reaction to unacceptable behavior. 

Most of the time, the child looks puzzled by my scowl. He or she might start crying, which is not my intent and definitely a signal for me to move away quickly. On a rare occasion, a child might scowl back at me. This is my favorite reaction, as it escalates my menacing demeanor that children simply do not have the wherewithal to match.

I’m actually performing a public service. Babies and young children need to learn the difference between friend and foe. If everyone is seemingly friendly and happy, how will they learn to tell the difference? After all, this is about safety and survival.

Of course with friends and family, I adhere to social norms with children suitable to their ages. However, if I do find myself engaged in a conversation with an infant, I use only the Queen’s English.