This is Episode 98 of the Brandonian Doctrine.

You’ve reached the voicemail box for Brandon. At this point, you are probably accustomed to hearing someone apologize for missing your call. Well, I’m not going to apologize because I did nothing wrong. Either I am legitimately busy and unable to talk on the phone because I’m driving, or taking a shower, or sitting on the john (although that doesn’t seem to stop guys in public restrooms!) or I am freely available, saw that it was you calling, and deliberately chose not to answer the phone and maybe even pushed the DISMISS button for extra rejection.

You might also be used to someone thanking you for your call. Well, I’m not sure whether your call is worth my thanks. If you are returning my call or reaching out as a courtesy reminder for some maintenance item, certainly that’s worth a thank you. If you are some telemarketer or robocaller or scammer or spammer, the LAST thing you deserve is my thanks.

Finally, I’m sure you also expect me to tell you to leave a detailed message so that I can respond at my earliest convenience. Strike three. In fact, my voicemail box is full. Don’t be fooled by the beep at the end of this message. It may sound like it’s recording but nothing is saved because my voicemail box is full. Even if I wanted to get your message. Say you’re calling to tell me I’ve won the lottery. Or I’m owed a long-lost inheritance. Or my house is about to be foreclosed upon. I can’t receive this information because my voicemail box is full. 

So you’re going to have to figure out a different way to contact me if your message is important to me. Again, you’ll hear a beep but don’t be fooled. There is no recording happening. I will not be reading the translation of what you say in Visual Voicemail on the iPhone, and what you say is certainly NOT going to reach my ear canal much less my tympanic membrane. My voicemail box is full.